Please and Thank You

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed,
Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead.
I long to see you in the morning light.
I long to reach for you in the night.

While I would never want to lay with Bob Dylan, they’re good words to hear. But let’s not kid ourselves – sex is about two people who are seeking the same end result: an orgasm. Yet, it doesn’t always end that way for everyone. 

I’ll admit it: I’ve faked an orgasm. And I don’t know many girls who haven’t. More recently, however, I’ve started to examine the sexual experience from a man’s perspective. The important question is, does a woman's orgasm matter to a man?
The easiest answer is yes, but it’s always more complicated than a simple yes or no. The conclusion I’ve reached is such – guys have a vested interest in a girl’s orgasm if he genuinely has feelings for them. While this is a broad and sweeping generalization and there are many exceptions. I know some guys who simply get off on the control of being able to get a woman off. Think of it as a satisfaction of a job well done mixed with power struggle. Aside from that, how much do men invest into giving us pleasure?
I have two theories that can explain the perpetual lack of satisfaction. 
Honestly the first one is just logistics. Women’s genitals are vastly more complicated than a man’s. While every “rose” is beautiful, it has to be intimidating to approach uncharted territory every time. Considering that, add to it that the female orgasm is also harder to achieve. As previously discussed, women have two means of achieving an orgasm (vaginal and clitoral). So it would make sense that this undertaking would make more sense after taking the time to get to know the woman individually.
But then again, you have to ask yourself “ask not what he can do for you, but what can you do for yourself?” As far as he knows, what he is doing should do the trick. As a woman, you have to harness and control that orgasm. The same way men can keep themselves from finishing, you can control yourself to expedite the process. My mother always says, the mark of an intelligent woman is one that can make a man do what she wants while making him think it was his idea all along. Be honest. Be constructive. Be sensitive.
In the end, there is nothing better than knowing you accomplished a goal. Some guys make their woman’s orgasm more of a priority than others. When it comes down to it, sex is by no means a spectator sport. The best sex is when both parties try to outdo each other and really please their partner. The bible was right: “Love thy neighbor”, hopefully a few times a night.

The Orgasmic Dichotomy

Orgasms. They’re pretty great. It’s amazing what lengths (no pun intended) people will go to achieve one. The great sundry of internet porn available to the masses indicates just how varied our needs are. At any given moment, a new fetish is being indulged satisfy even the unique orgasm needs.  But how can we ensure we’re getting what we need?

What men, and even most women, don’t realize is that there are two types of orgasms. Yes, women can achieve two very different climaxes: vaginal and clitoral. The best analogy I can think of involves food (of course it does).

Starting with the most basic, vaginal orgasms are similar to chocolate cake. Chocolate cake is delicious. It’s familiar. It makes you feel dreamy inside for a few shining moments. Ending your night with chocolate cake is satisfying and definitely worthwhile.

But not every woman has wandered beyond the boundaries of the vaginal orgasm. The clitoral orgasm is the pinnacle of the female sexual experience. Keeping with the dessert metaphor, a clitoral orgasm is the equivalent of crème brulee served with a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and presented on a stack of $100 bills. I’m really not kidding.

I think it’s important for men and women alike to be aware and to strive for a clitoral orgasm. A guy who knows how to address this is worth his weight in gold. Boys, let me clarify something for you: oral sex is a two way street. And while I realize blow jobs are the male equivalent of flowers, please understand girls enjoy a little oral action too.

Different girls have varying degrees of sensitivity and needs. The most important thing you can do is explore. Trial and error is inevitable, but if both parties make it their prerogative to satisfy each other completely, sex will be more worthwhile and satisfying – both on a physical level and an emotional level. In other words, never underestimate the power of a good orgasm. 

Dating is Like a Box of Chocolates

Dating is like a box of chocolates: a box of chocolates that has been sitting around in your room for weeks. I first created this analogy the summer before I came to American. The boys I had available to me were lacking in quality. In studying my girl friends’ relationships with the opposite sex, I have come to one certain conclusion – women are idiots.

As a female, I will admit – I am an idiot. Idiot is actually the wrong word. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results – hence dating. That we’ll elaborate on another day.

Back to the important stuff – chocolate… furthering the analogy, sometimes I need “dessert”. I have a distinctive and unshakeable desire for “dessert”. I can’t stop thinking about it and the longer I go without dessert, the crankier I get – thus the chocolate box.

This box is old. All the good flavors are long gone. There are flavors I’m not particularly interested in and there are flavors that I have tried and know for certain I don’t like. I entertain the idea of eating the flavors I’m not interested in out of boredom. Something is better than nothing right? So I’ll eat the chocolate and remain unsatisfied.

The chocolates I have tried and I know very well aren’t good are candidates because my desperation has caused momentary lapse in judgment. I know I don’t like them. I know they’re not good. I know that it will not work. Previous experience has shown me that this flavor of chocolate and I do not mix well. Yet, like an idiot, I try it again and spit it out violently. I swear I’ll never do that again (if only).

I’ve exhausted the analogy, but let this resonate as a cautionary tale. Beware of stale chocolate. There’s a reason no one else has snatched them up yet. 

I Kissed a Girl and it Became Trendy

Once upon a time, girls kissed girls, and those girls were generally lesbians. Lesbianism has evolved from the days of ancient Greeks and even from the days when our parents were “cool” wearing too tight pants at Studio 54. One of my main interests is human sexuality and I have to note when things make notable shifts. Terms like fluid and pan sexual have come into the American lexicon. We can no longer be defined by such finite categories like heterosexual and homosexual.

But what about the sloppy chicks swapping spit at a bar? (As I like to call them, liquor lesbians) What’s to be said of their sexuality? It can be assumed that they’re not sending a message about their sexuality. But the question stands: have we as a society become so blasé that a girl can kiss another girl without having her sexuality challenged? I know I’ve been there.

My own personal reasons for kissing girls can be different than the general consensus. Kissing is fun. It’s light and harmless. It also is well received among guys. Kissing girls is a great way of getting attention. You imply your sexuality is not constrained and that a guy would have a good time with you. My point is this – the difference between unequivocal sexuality and a straight girl that, a straight girl will only do the girl on girl thing in front of guys.

Katy Perry, ever the musical innovator, illustrates the casual nature of girl on girl kisses in a boudoir-musical-pseudo-lesbian music video. Thanks to her, we can be secure in the knowledge that straight girls kiss other straight girls for fun, for show but not for love. And honestly, sometimes your girl friend looks a whole lot better than the guys you’re hanging around with. Kissing your girl friend could be the most action you get all night.

How Texting Has Ruined Dating

 I’ll be the first to admit that the millisecond my phone buzzes, I’ll knock over furniture to get to it. Hate to admit it, but our generation has grown so addicted to communication. Tracking someone down should take less time than it takes to wait in line for your Panini. Truth be told, texting carried heavy etiquette.

But let’s go back to a time before our thumbs were sore and calloused. A long time ago, before Blackberry and even Facebook, boys would call girls. Seriously. Sweaty and nervous, they would painstakingly dial the number praying to God her father wouldn’t answer. Nothing warrants an epic voice crack like talking to the parents.

But now, the ambiguity of texts, specifically the word “chill”, is enough to make a girl want to pull her hair out. Does he not respect me enough to want to do more than just hook up in his room? Or is he just being lazy while texting and actually he has an entire romantic evening planned?!

What happened? If you still don’t see my point, here is an example of how texting progresses as the night goes on:

5 pm – Hey girl. [insert inside joke here] I don’t know what you’re up to tonight, but let’s chill. What do you think about that?

8 pm – Sup girl. Still with my bros, but you down to chill tonight?

11 pm – Yo. We still chillin’?

3 am- Come over.

Courting is an overstatement.

 Now no one would ever call me traditional and the frills of antiquated courtship don’t thrill me – but seriously? Twenty-first century dating, like all other aspects of this time period, are instantaneous. We want everything and we want it right now. But that’s not how romance works. We have forgotten that romance is not a hungry-man microwave dinner – it is a complicated six course menu that takes hours of preparation and effort. But in the end, which would you rather have?

 

I Thought People Loved Porn

Dirty magazines, Playboy channel and internet porn: all things adolescent boys (and girls) will eventually find. Porn is a billion dollar industry. What used to be rare and taboo is now ubiquitous and acceptable. It can be used to spice up a boring sex life, mend a broken heart or just fill an afternoon. But how many of us actually admit to watching it? Moreover, how many of us pay attention?

 Girls for the most part don't watch porn or deny it. Personally I think it's because society has yet to warm up to the idea of girls masturbating. It's not really mentioned in popular media, except really shows for women... But I digress.

 From what they told me in Catholic school, porn is an instrument of the devil to degrade women and demonize sex. (Funny because that's my definition of the Catholic Church) Porn, to me, is a tool we should all take advantage of. For the most part, these people know what they're doing. 

 When it comes down to it, sex isn't hard. It's pretty basic, but the difference between mediocre sex and toe-curling-body-spazming-uncontrollable-dizzying sex, is the technique. Those posters used to inspire us in elementary school – “The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra” – weren’t far off.

 

Porn should be viewed as didactic and inspirational.

 

For the ladies, take some tips from the pros in terms of what to do to the tip. Once you understand how porn works, you can basically understand how the male mind works, in terms of sexual desire. They’re different than us. We feel the most turned on when someone makes us feel wanted and desired.  Men feel the most desire through visual stimuli. They like the visual aspect of everything. The male mind likes to take momentary snapshots and file them away for a rainy day.

It’s great in terms of creativity.  Take notes “maybe he will like it if I use my tongue like this” or even “what she said was sexy. I’ll try that!”.  Men like to know they’re doing a good job and they do enjoy a little direction. If you don’t take clues from the porn stars, you may not get what you want.

Okay gentleman, oral sex is a two way street. We understand it can be intimidating, but how do you ever expect us to want to return the favor. I understand that it looks confusing and probably is, but that is why there are porn stars!  Most girls say they don’t like it, and that would be because most guys haven’t the slightest clue. (Picture Paris Hilton watching C-SPAN) Watch the masters work, because men who know what they’re doing down there are rarer and more valuable than diamonds (well maybe). And in the end, if you do your job, things can only feel better for you.

Beyond the foreplay, how about some new ideas? Missionary is quite fun, but it can get old. Porn is a great didactic tool for coming up with new and interesting ways to make her scream. A little creativity and initiative can go a long way. And in most relationships, if she’s not happy, no one is happy.

Moral of the story, porn is a readily available and useful tool to enhance your skill. There is a reason why they get paid to have sex, and you don’t.